johnny_crass' Journal

The media loves Johnny Crass
Monday night, the Salt City Derby Girls had a media demo bout, wherein they invited members of the local newsmedia to come see what Flat Track Roller Derby is all about. The idea was to hopefully get some corporate sponsorship. I told them, just let everyone know Johnny Crass is involved and they'd be rolling in the sponsorship money, but they wanted to do it their way.

I arrived at the venue with my sound-man,

djwookie. He quickly set up the booth to my spec's. A high quality mic, a sampler with my sound effects, some sexy tunes cued on the cd player, some candles and lava lamps for "vibe", and a tall, stiff rum and coke. While he was setting up, I drank a few beers in the parking lot with the referees. When he was done, I sent him out to wait for me in the car. He's a good sound man, but he really cramps my style when he hangs around, you know?

Anyway, we got things underway soon enough. LuLu Garou joined me in the announce booth, and she was practically throwing herself at me. I told her she could kneel under the counter and "talk into my mic" while I announced, but she decided she needed to be professional. Too bad, that dame had a body that wouldn't quit.

In the first period, MojoJojo twisted her ankle and sat the rest of the bout on the bench. She was obviously turning to get a better look at me when her skate ran in an unforseen direction, thus twisting her ankle. There was a bit of bloodshed at one point, and all the girls were obviously getting themselves worked into a frenzy from my smoooooth and sexy voice on the PA.

The second period was a bit more intense, with the Iron Rack getting into a massive catfight, most likely over yours truly. Lucy Cannon kept blatantly flirting with me from the rink, while Squid Vicious did a booty dance just for me. It's cute what these chicks will do just to get a chance to be nailed by me. At one point, BrewHaHa injured her shoulder rather badly and had to sit out. I expect that was a flair up of a repetitive motion injury in that arm that I think I know the cause of... if you know what I mean.

Anyway, I think the Cops won over the Robbers. Not that I paid attention to the score. I was too busy checking out all the hot Roller Girl ass that kept skating past me like one of those buffets with sushi in little boats that float past until you see something you like.

After the bout, none of the news media was brave enough to approach me. Not that I blame them... putting me on the news would have caused women around the state to injure themselves severely by throwing themselves at their TV screens in uncontrollable lust.

Bill Frost from City Weekly pretended to ask me a few questions, but I'm pretty sure he just wanted an excuse to be seen with me. That'll raise his social standing with the chicks a bit.

I left the venue with LuLu in tow, and we headed to the party at some local sports bar. The scene in there was squaresville, with a dj from one of the local alternative stations trying to make time with all the women in the room. Little did he know he didn't have a chance, not with Johnny Crass in the room. I could feel all the Derby Girls and waitresses undressing me with their eyes. After a while the square scene bored me, so I broke all of the ladies' hearts and split. I'll give them a chance at the next bout.

Until then, try to contain yourselves. Women: think of me when you masturbate and be sure to call out my name while you're with your man. Men: take it as flattery when your woman calls out my name, because you wish you were me anyway.

I've got some chicks to go bang now. Later.

Current Mood: Johnny Fuckin' Crass... it's a mood all it's own